Seriously, who wrote this?

When it comes to Sony’s Spider-Man movies without Spider-Man, I’m really curious about what’s going on, especially regarding Madame Web. I recently watched this film, and let me tell you, it’s not just bad—it’s downright confusing. I genuinely can’t wrap my head around how it even got made. It feels like something out of a strange dream that somehow made its way onto the screen. I’m struggling to understand how this movie even exists.

But here’s the thing: despite all its flaws, I’d actually recommend watching it. It’s one of those rare movies that’s so terrible it becomes entertaining. You know, like how people love to watch and laugh at The Room. But fair warning: there are spoilers ahead.

I’m not even sure if you can call Madame Web a superhero movie. The whole story revolves around Cassie Web, who gains spider-like powers similar to Peter Parker’s spider-sense. But instead of just sensing danger, she can see a few seconds to minutes into the future and make small changes based on what she sees. It’s honestly one of the most underwhelming superpowers I’ve ever seen in a movie.

That’s pretty much the gist of it. Cassie doesn’t have any other powers besides her ability to glimpse into the future. And as for the three girls she’s protecting, who will supposedly become Spider-Women in the future (although not in this movie), they don’t have any powers either. The only character with powers is the villain, Ezekiel, who’s decked out in a cheap-looking black spider-suit from Spirit Halloween. But his powers are pretty lackluster too—he’s just fast and can stick to walls. He doesn’t even shoot webs; instead, he resorts to throwing grenades at them at one point.

It’s quite perplexing to center a movie around one of the most obscure Spider-Man comic book characters, especially when the film drastically alters her age. On top of that, they decided to cram in three versions of Spider-Woman (with one being Spider-Girl), none of whom actually acquire their powers during the movie except in dream sequences. And if that wasn’t enough, they also threw in young Uncle Ben and the origin story of Peter Parker. It’s like someone online aptly put it: this might just be the best movie ever made about Spider-Man’s uncle’s co-worker.

When you strip away the superpowers from the heroes in a superhero movie, you end up with a film that lacks the usual action-packed sequences typical of the genre. In this case, the lack of superpowers translates to minimal action. For instance, the confrontations with Ezekiel consist of Cassie using unconventional methods like hitting him with a taxi and later with an ambulance because she lacks super strength, speed, or webs.

The only significant development in Cassie’s powers occurs when she astral projects herself to save the spider-girls simultaneously. The climax sees her using her foresight abilities to anticipate debris during the explosion of a fireworks factory, ultimately leading to the villain’s demise. However, despite her efforts, Cassie ends up severely injured, resulting in her becoming wheelchair-bound and blind—an attempt by the movie to align with the character’s comic book version.

In essence, the absence of traditional superhero powers results in a film with minimal action and a reliance on unconventional methods for confrontations and resolutions.

The inclusion of Sydney Sweeney and Isabela Merced as proto-versions of superheroes without powers is indeed perplexing, especially considering their rising popularity in the entertainment industry. Sweeney, known for her roles in “Euphoria” and “Anyone But You,” and Merced, who’s set to star in “Superman Legacy” and “The Last of Us,” seem like prime candidates for superhero roles. Yet, they’re portrayed as characters without powers in this film.

It’s baffling why Sony didn’t opt for a Spider-Woman movie featuring one of these talented actresses, or capitalize on obvious choices like casting Sweeney in a Black Cat film. It’s disheartening to hear that Sweeney did her research and even offered suggestions to stay true to her character’s comic book origins, only to have her role reduced to mere seconds in costume and mostly relegated to appearing frightened throughout the film. There are even indications that she believed she might transition to playing Spider-Woman in the MCU after this, suggesting possible misinformation.

The decision-making behind this movie is truly puzzling. While “Morbius” could be seen as a feature film about a relatively known Spider-Man villain, potentially setting up Sony’s Sinister Six, “Madame Web” is presented as a standalone film set 20 years in the past, with no connections to anything else. At this point, given the quality of “Madame Web,” it’s arguable whether connecting it to anything else would even be desirable. It seems like Sony’s strategy with these movies lacks coherence, leading to speculation that they might be produced for tax benefits or to avoid losing the Spider-Man license.Despite its flaws, I echo the sentiment to watch “Madame Web.” It’s genuinely worth seeing to grasp the sheer absurdity of its existence. There are few better ways to spend 100 minutes with friends, as you’ll undoubtedly have a blast trying to make sense of how such a film came to be.¹

1. Content sourced from ‘Madame Web’ Is The Single Most Baffling Superhero Movie In 30 Years and edited by Chat GPT ↩︎